early morning zombie, being bathroom-narcissistic in my university
So one thing I wasn’t prepared for when I started to study medicine, was all the goddamn parties. If my liver could talk, it would ask me to go fuck myself pretty heavily. Sorry liver, it wasn’t my intention to mess you up like a used-up hooker.
With that said, this past time have been so crazy, that my brain cells are suffering from permanent damages. I had millions, now I have none. It’s scary, huh? One day, hopefully, I’m a doctor and you will be my patient. If you knew how fucked medicine students are, you would just handle your operation on the kitchen table instead. I really don’t get how you can stay sane studying this extremely difficult education with extremely intakes of alcohol every week. Let’s see if I become a doctor before my body shuts down on me.
Another thing I wasn’t prepared for either was how insanely stupid I actually am. Like really godawful-braindead-american-cheerleader-movie stupid. I don’t and haven’t understood a shit of what I have been reading the past 2 months, and it seems to get worse. Everybody keeps telling me it will come, like a sun on a cloudy sky (or something) one ugly-turns-beautiful day. I keep telling them there are more full of shit than I am, but still they somehow believe in me or quite frankly just feel sorry for me. I haven’t quite figured that out yet.
But they say hard work pays off. If studying from 7 in the morning to 7 in the evening isn’t hard work, I will become a prostitute. Easy and fast earning money as well. Win-win.
Maybe I should stop rambling and go to bed. I’m looking 10 years older, my tits are hanging on my shoes, my skin is going through puberty again, my ass is softer than two pillows and I’m getting fat. And even though that are some shitty things studying medicine does to my body – ALREADY – I’m still in love with every single, fat-adding-to-my-body-and-ass day.
So yesterday I talked insanely about my dating life. People would think of me as a non-sexual slut if they knew the numbers of guys I’ve been seeing in a short amount of time. I don’t even put myself in that situation where I think “tonight I’m gonna pick up a guy” – I’m just one of “the lucky ones” who just randomly finds herself dating some guy she met some random place in a pretty random time. Suddenly there’s just a guy and I don’t even know where he came from, but certainly not heaven or paradise.
Until I met one person, who tasted a bit like heaven. Or my idea of heaven. To be clear he was just great. I was randomly seeing two great guys, finding myself living through my favorite new order song “bizarre love triangle”. It was pathetic. So deeply pathetic to be caught in that situation, and I hope it never happens again. In a perfect world you just want to blend these two guys into a perfect blueberry smoothie and sip on it all day long, everyday in your life – but unfortunately that wasn’t possible. I would probably get arrested.
Back to the guy from my idea of heaven: I knew him from the start. You know. That’s the most powerful emotion you can experience in this shitty thing called life. It seemed so clear what to do, and yet I couldn’t give myself in. I fooled myself to believe I was in love, when probably I just was ovulating. When that happens every month I feel myself falling in love with everything: mangos, dresses, girls, rocks on the road – I can’t handle it.
So… the guy from heaven and I ended it. It randomly happened like everything else in my life. I thought I knew him, and a part of me still think I do, but the last time I saw him he was a completely stranger to me. Maybe because he limits himself or maybe because I finally got my period and saw things clearer than before. Who knows? Right now I just know than I’m moving back to my hometown to start some new drama on my new studies. How many boyfriends do you think I’m going to have? 2, 3 or 5? Let’s see – I’ll keep you posted.
Oh boy oh boy…. what a fucking wonderful week I had until I fucked myself in the bad way. I didn’t even derserve that self-fuck and I didn’t deserve it from you. When I say “I fucked myself” I really mean “You fucked me in a non-nicely way”. Actually. Now you know.
You should just stop dragging me into your past. Don’t you just hate that – when people constantly drag you into their old shit, old shitty-good experiences with other pretty shitty people? Do you really think you can make everything work between us if I keep feeling like I took somebody else’s role? I feel like I’m getting fucked being somebody else. I’m definitely not there, and I never was. I probably thought I could, but I suddenly feel like I can’t. Not with you, and not with her.
So Godspeed you guys. Into a future where you are probably fucking each other with different people. Good luck to you and hallelujah to me.
freshly squeezed photo from this morning.
I’m getting sick here in Copenhagen and I have absolutely no food at all. It’s snowing. It’s horribly cold. I’m tired and happy, I would be more happy if I had something to eat other than cabbage and eggs. I just fucking love cabbage – that sad veggie is totally underestimated. People should appreciate it more. Like pickles.
Did I mention that it’s snowing? It affects my pessimistic little heart, punching it back to hopeless romantic. I like it – you somewhat feel alive again when you step out of the real, fucking depressing world for a while. Just a little while, and then I will mentally kick my romantic little heart back to hardcore pessimism filled with anger – again. That’s just how you get ahead the most of the time: being a rock solid, hardcore, crazyass bitch.
But I’m happy – too happy and that’s too scary. I can’t control happiness, and certainly not this form of happiness, and I’m not sure if I had the power I would control it. Then it wouldn’t be the same. Sometimes everything is more beautiful when you are completely powerless and inches from falling into a big, dark hole of nothing. And maybe I’m ready to take that chance again. I couldn’t imagine feeling worse than I did before. This time I will feel. Either way. Happy or unhappy – and that’s always better than feeling nothing at all.
It’s still snowing….
Because you have to move when someone is threatening to take your bunny’s cage from you.
Because you don’t want to eat from a can all the time, but you are too damn tired to make yourself some dinner after a whole day at university studying.
Because you can sit in a basement all by yourself and write about fucking pathetic people surrounding you while there is nobody who will ask you questions or think it’s unusual behaviour to live in an obscure room with no windows… in your sister’s home.
Think about all the crazy shit you can do down there. Just saying.
Because your sister is always upstairs.
Because it only can go up from here. Literally. And if you are living in the dark at your sisters, there is only positive things to come. You never get disappointed by having low standards.
Because you skip out on meeting a bunch of stupid, brainless excuses for Homo sapiens. Seriously, you meet sooooo many fucked up people to find maybe 2-3 good friends. It doesn’t seem to be worthy all the work and drama for that. That is cold hard facts sweet naive teenagers out there, drinking and getting screwed while screwing yourself.
Not. Worthy. Remember.
That was all. I should probably do – yeah, DO – some homework in a non-sexual way. Maybe eat something today. It’s almost night here in Denmark.
Lets just say that I – of course – haven’t followed the south beach diet to every single point. I’m doing it jazz-style.
So therefore there has been some sugar and starches, but that’s actually a good thing because I realized how much I didn’t miss it when I felt what it was doing to my body.. oh so dramatic, but true.
I didn’t eat starches that day.. can you see the difference?
I visited my sister yesterday, where she made the perfect lasagna with a whole lot of garlic bread (the good kind with lots of fibers though), but when I ate the lasagna I just didn’t feel full.. I ate and ate…and ate, and still after I stopped eating about 1 kg lasagna later, I still wanted to eat. And through out the whole night I just felt the hunger in my tummy, begging me too eat some more.. anything! which lead to a late night snack consisting of sugar. Oh well...
So no more starches and bad carbs from now on. The nights before I ate proteins with some approved veggies, following the south beach diet and I felt great: meaning, NO hunger. And that feels damn awesome!
this picture has nothing to do with the post, I just felt like sharing baby jazz on the blog. And as you can see nothing has changed with my hair. Once bangs always bangs!
So I told you guys I’m on the South Beach diet, but there is a very good reason for that and that’s not because I’m fat or feel the need to lose some weight. I’m doing this primarily because of my illness.
When I was 14 years old I was diagnosed with Crohn’s disease. A chronic inflammatory bowel disease that is situated in my colon, but the location of the disease is very different from patient to patient. And from that day I had to change my whole lifestyle, not because I had some bad habits that caused the disease, but because medicine and food plans now had a place in my life that could have an influence on my health and the disease.
Therefore I’m always experimenting on my body with different foods, and that is not always funny, but for a girl like me that used to play a little scientist when I was little with a physics set my daddy gave me – and what a lovely play set may I add – I find it pretty fascinating how food can change the course of the disease from feeling really awful to brilliant!
And that’s why I’m on the SB-diet right now: to see how my body and the disease reacts when I pipe down for the sugar, starches and carbs from my basic diet. But first I need to digest the 1 kg apple pie I ate today, so the SB-diet kicks in for real tomorrow and you can follow the process on my blog.
… I want my daddy to make this cake for me! Maybe I’m too old for this (18 years old), but I reallyreally want it! It would be one of the happiest day of my life.
I love tea, especially when you live in cold and dark Denmark. Coming home from a hard day at school, work or on the streets, it’s always fine to pamper your body with tea. Good medicine for your body!
So tea, yeah… maybe it’s a boring topic for you, but I love it. The smell, look and talking about it.
Today I had a genius idea. Right now my big fetish in life is ginger. I put ginger in EVERYTHING! And today I peeled some ginger in to my chamomile tea. It was… orgasmic! I feel so relaxed.
But also I found a very weird tea variant on The Green Head’s webpage (I’m still in love). It’s called “Display tea”, which is tea leaves that are hand wrapped, packed and dried into a little tea ball. When you poor hot water onto it, the tea ball unfolds its leaves, blooming into an amazing flower. That is one hell of a tea!
I need to try this!!
First: I’M DONE… FINISH WITH MY RESEARCH PROJECT!!! It feels SO good to be done, but I must admit it was a great experience.
And second: I just found the funniest webpage ever! It’s called The Green Head, focusing on things you always wish you had in a certain situation. Like making a salat, where you need some lemon juice and avocado slices, always having to use ALL your energy on squeezing and risking your hand when slicing an avocado. But don’t worry about that any more, because The Green Head has invented a lemon squeezer or an avocado slicer and pitter.
And that’s not all. When you were a little boy or a girl, you always wanted a ninja dog? Now dreams come true with this costume:
Now you are probably thinking “what about me?” and dont you be sad, if your fetish is horror movies and blood, you can buy this horror movie shower curtain and bath mat:
For the food AND puzzle lovers (like me) you can play this junk food puzzle, satisfying your every needs:
So what do you think? Genius? Yeah! I knew you would think that!