So it just hit me like a ton of bricks. I’m probably the most pussied out little girl now than I’ve ever been before. Yes, I do have some standards and principles, which I think everybody should have, but I didn’t realize how scared I actually am of getting fucked up, psycho hurt again and therefore pushing everybody away from me, including my friends and family and only depending on myself. In all this time I’ve used my standards and principles as the main reason to push people away…. not always though – mostly when they made me feel again.
It started about 3 years ago, when I met the love of my life. You know, when you just feel that this person is the one you want to have little babies with. He’s the one who really completes you, makes you feel rock solid and strong and more free than ever. Feeling free to do anything you ever thought of doing. Things you never thought you were able to do. This feeling was mutual.
To make it short it all ended because the bastard cheated on me while he was on exchange in Asia. And he didn’t even cheat on me with a beautiful asian girl (if you have to cheat in a another country why not try something new and local, right?), but instead he had an affair with a boring, typical Scandinavian girl. Discovering this infidelity changed me for life.
So…. I’ve been through lots of crazy shit, but this just changed me more than anything else in my life and without knowing, I just stopped feeling. From that day I lost my entire identity and didn’t have any desire of getting it back.
Now 3 years later I’m trying so hard to feel again. To give myself the chance to feel. Just feel. It doesn’t matter if I feel sad or happy, but that I just fucking feel goddammit. And it’s okay if someone else makes me feel. It’s okay to rely on other people to help me on my path to “myself” again – whatever that is. For 2 years I was convinced that I had to find my passion – my motivation to live – through myself, but that’s just a load of crap. I’ve achieved a lot on my own by now and I think I’m capable to achieve anything I want, but for what use is it for if it’s only for me? I can’t only use me for a shit. I don’t inspire me, I get inspired and motivated by others. Things around me, people around me. That’s just how it is and it’s pathetic to think that you can fully yourself… by yourself only.
And for the record: I know this post is raped deeply by the use of “feel” – but that was actually the purpose of it. Just so you know why I annoyed the fuck out of you by repeating myself.